down for rewriting......sorry......
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
im taking this down along with all my other blooded work specificall because i am ree writng most of it agian and would not be bothered by more coments than i already got, (around 70). thanks for all your support and the new version will be up as soon as its finished, but i may very well write the chapter through so give me at least a month ok?. thanks for the bump up in the rating, the majority of the rest is actually less bloody, only his memories are.
this will be copied to all posts by me until i figure out how to record all responses before topic deletion.
OOH! OOH! I know who they are!
lol
Yeah you like posted who they were already right?
Anyways... It took me a while to read this. Sorry. But I liked it. I was laughing and I thought the scene between the two boys was cute. And like everybody else said, It's just the grammar and that's all, but I reckon you know that. Other then that I thought it was really good! Keep it up Sam!
*Lindsay*
im sorry if i did not explain this correctly...*sigh*....THIS IS NOT THE BEGGINNING OF THE STORY I ALREADY WROTE THE BEGINNING WITH THE IR=NTRODUCTION TO THE CHARACTERS I AM JUST PUTTING THE FINAL TOUCHES ON IT THEN I WILL REPOST IT! UNTIL THEN THIS , THE CONTINUATION FROM THE END OF THE INTRODUCING WILL BE UP HERE UNTIL EDITED THEN STUNRG TOGETHER......*DEEP BREATH*.....there now i explained it. please wait for the section before it. that will explain all you will need to this point in the story. thank you and just comment on what is written as a dialogue for it is my first real one i have been happy with.
I agree that you should introduce the characters a little more. It's okay to do it subtly, actual it's much better to introduce them slowly then all at once. But a little more elaboration on the characters would help at this point. You also need to fix some of those grammatical errors, etc. Some of the ways you presented the dialogue could be inproved too. You could probably find words that more accurately represent the situation. I was mostly looking at "scolded Caer" and "started Tyr with a smirk", and scolded and started just seem like they could replaced with something that held more basis in the situation.
I liked some of the discription in the first paragraph. After some editing, I think this could be pretty good.
So
Period after though instead of a comma. "I'm thinkin' I'll ask her..."
I've been told to read over my own work plenty of times, and I suggest the same to you. I know it's annoying and all, but it'll really help your punctuation and little things you might miss by just skimming over it. I have no idea who any of these characters are, so you might want to elaborate on it a little and introduce them before they start jumping to conclusions about who likes who.
The way that the one character suddenly knows that the other likes a certain girl is a little weird because nobody knows the characters they're having a dialouge about.
Overall, I like it and I'd be glad to read your full first chapter. As always, pm me if you have any questions or you'd just like to tell me to take a walk! =] I'm happy to crit anything you've got so bring it on.
I'm a little confused. I do like the beginning paragraph...but I'm a bit confused about these characters. How old are they supposed to be? Perhaps if you described what they looked like (although if you're doing that gradually, that could work, too), the comment about liking a little girl would make more sense, because that's what confused me the most. o.O
Other than some grammar related problems, I do like what you have here.
Thanks alot and its fixed i just modified it and i hope everyone enjoys!
If you want any crits, you have to use paragraphs. start a new paragraph every time someone different speaks or the subject changes. Then pm me and tell me to go read it!